My Maker takes me on adventures as a Native Oklahoman. I find myself finding delight in really good cups of coffee or even just mornings when I get to sleep in past 7. This past month in particular was an even greater leap and an even bigger bound as Jesus decided to spoil me with beaches, mountains, hugs, and favorite friends. I hopped on a plane to California to spend a few days with my favorite unpublished (for the time being) poet. It would be an extraordinary lie to say that unbelievable things did not happen as new favorite memories etched their way into my bones. Sandy dreadlocks might sound like a pain, but they don’t much matter when your jeans are soaking wet, running around the beach admiring God’s love with your best friend.
Hikes to the mountains might end you up in the middle of a field of cactus, but that doesn’t matter much either when you feel THIS loved. And when you feel this loved, you feel safe and heard. So in this barren field with this particular friend, I allowed salty water to pour from my eyeballs unleashing the truth that I am scared to lose someone I’ve never even been close to. That somewhere in the middle part of me – I yearn to be loved like I was promised to be loved – when I was little. That somehow, even being 22 years old, I feel cheated. I feel stolen from. My mind quickly flashes back to a place I don’t ever let anyone into as I beat on the Lord’s chest wondering why I had to go through this type of grief so little. Thinking maybe I could deal with it now. I could find ways to be strong. But a 7 year old takes the love they are given at face value. An 8 year old does the same. And a 9 year old. And a 10 year old. And after that, the definition of love gets to be very confusing as an imperfect father continues to fail to define it perfectly.
I begin to realize that the way that I have learned to recieve love is in the moment – face value. The Lord enters this place of tenderness to wash it for a while. It’s really uncomfortable as it always is when someone cleans a raw wound. It starts to sting and it always feels worse before it feels better. But there’s this movement again…and I feel closer. I feel the very breath of God breathing cool air onto every wound I’ve ever had saying,
“Kelsey…I am so sorry. You deserved Heaven.”
I am not writing this from a place of heaviness, but from a place of freedom. There is something that the Lord is doing in my heart that I will no longer fail to ignore. I will no longer be embarrased by the pains or scars of my past, because I am set free and my inheritance will always be, and has always been Heaven.
All of this to say, I’m going to be a social worker! Every single day since the Lord revealed this to me (about 2 weeks ago) I have laughed and cried and danced because I have never felt so alive and happy! He is such a good Papa and I can honestly say that every single painful thing I’ve ever been through is worth running around the beach with my best friend, realizing just how loved I am by Jesus!
“The real promised land is where my eyes are healed and I can see God for who He really is: a Faithful Father.”
// Melissa Helser
Guys! He’s been good the whole time.
thewalkingdreads 